This war is not like any

previous war, at least not for me. Wars and aggressions are typical for us. Never did we know peace or security. In the thirty years of my life, I was always known for my strength and tenacity in difficult times. I was always the wise and dependable one in the family, especially caring for my ill mother. But this time is not like every other time. 

I look after my mother and nephew, who had come to visit and spend some time with his grandmother and aunt (me). On the thirteenth of October, I was sitting with my mother in the corner we deemed to be the safest in the house. Suddenly, we heard the sounds of people screaming and learned at the time that they forced the evacuation of a building nearby because the Israelis were about to bomb it. I couldn’t but yell to my mom and nephew that they will bomb! I don’t know how I picked up the bags I previously prepared, with some of my important papers, pictures of my deceased father (may his soul RIP), and some clothes. I made sure my mom and nephew were ahead of me and we quickly ran down the stairs yelling as loud as we could to warn our neighbors “EVACUATION… EVACUATION…”

At the entrance of our building, our screams met those of my brother’s wife and his two daughters. I looked everywhere around me and could not find my brother. I felt my heart beat in super speed and I got in the car with my mom and nieces. My 6- and 10-year-old nieces were crying hysterically. Then I drove  the car outside the parking as I was shouting my brother’s name , “FIND ME MY BROTHER!!”

With all these souls being my responsibility now, I had to drive to a place somewhat away from the shelling. My mom was trying hard to get the phone out to call my brother, but her hands were shaking so hard from shock and terror that she couldn’t call. I remember well how I climbed over the sidewalk , completely overwhelmed with my fear and worry about my brother, about whom I knew nothing. Finally, I stopped the car, picked up the phone, and called my brother, who finally answered. As soon as he answered, I broke into tears as I was terrified something horrible had befallen him! He told me he was going around knocking at the neighbors’ houses to evacuate.  

Between my sadness and worries, feelings of pride and gratitude arose because I have a brother who chose to save the lives of others before his own…

I hung up the phone and then looked to the back and saw my nieces crying. I will never forget the sight of my 6-year-old neice who could barely breathe as she looked at me fearful and shivering. When I looked at her, she hugged and kissed me and held on to me for dear life. I could not tell whether she was supporting me or looking for any sense of safety and security in my arms… 

Hayat – mental health professional in Gaza, Palestine (anonymous for fear of being targeted)
26 October 2023

حياة من قلب الموت:

سلسلة عن تجارب اخصائيين نفسيين تحت القصف – القصة الرابعة

هذه الحرب ليست كأي حرب سابقة، على الاقل بالنسبه الي. لقد اعتدنا على الحروب والعدوان. لم نعرف يوما سلاما ولا امان. في سنواتي الثلاثين، لطالما عرفت بقدرتي على التماسك والصمود، وكنت العنصر الداعم والهادئ لعائلتي وخاصة لوالدتي المريضة. هذه المرة ليست ككل مرة.

انا اعتني بوالدتي وابن اخي الذي جاء لقضاء بعض الوقت مع جدته وعمته (أنا). وفي يوم الثالث عشر من شهر تشرين الاول، كنت اجلس بجانب والدتي في الزاوية التي اخترناها من كل البيت، ظنا منا بأنها أأمن منطقة في البيت. فجأة، سمعت صوت أناس يصرخون وقد علمت وقتها بأنه تم اجلاء سكان بناية بجانبنا لان إسرائيل ستقصفها. كل ما قمت به انني صرخت وقلت لامي ولابن

اخي انهم سيقصفون! لا اعلم كيف قمت بحمل الحقائب التي قمت بتحضيرها سابقا، اضع بها اوراقي المهمة وبعض صور ذكرياتي مع والدي (رحمه الله) وبعض الملابس.

تأكدت ان امي وابن اخي امامي

وقمنا بالنزول سريعا على الدرج ونحن نصرخ باعلى صوتنا كي نحذر الجيران “اخلاء… اخلاء”… 

وعند مدخل العمارة، التقت اصواتنا باصوات زوجة اخي وبناته اللاتي كن يصرخن ايضا. نظرت بكل مكان ولم ارى اخي. احسست بقلبي يخفق بسرعة وركبت السيارة مع امي وبنات اخي. بنات اخي ذوات السنين الست والعشر كانتا تبكيان دون توقف. ثم قمت بالخروج من كراج العمارة وانا انادي باسم اخي، “شوفولي اخي”!!

مع هذه الارواح في عهدتي، اضطررت ان اقود لمكان بعيد عن القصف نوعا ما وامي تحاول جاهدة ان تخرج الهاتف وتتصل بأخي، ولكن رعشة يديها من هول الصدمة والرعب حالت دون قدرتها على الاتصال. اتذكر تماما اني صعدت على الرصيف بالسياره من شدة خوفي وقلقي على اخي الذي لم اعلم عنه شيئا. اخيرا اوقفت السيارة وامسكت الهاتف وقمت بالاتصال حتى اجاب اخي على الهاتف اخيرا! هنا انفجرت بالبكاء لانني ظننت ان مكروها قد يكون اصابه! قال لي انه كان يدق على ابواب جيراننا من العماره لكي يخلوا المنازل. بين حزني وقلقي، احسست بالفخر والامتنان ان لي اخا آثر ان يحاول انقاذ الاخرين قبل نفسه.

أغلقت الهاتف ثم نظرت للخلف فرأيت بنات اخي اللاتي كن يبكون. لن انسى صورة ابنة اخي ذات الست سنوات وهي تتنفس بصعوبة وتنظر الي وهي ترتعش من الخوف، وعندما نظرت اليها قامت بحضني وتقبيلي وتمسكت بي كاني الحياة والامل. لا اعلم ان كانت تساندني ام تبحث عن الامان معي…

حياة – اخصائية نفسية في غزة، فلسطين

(غير مسماة بسبب الخوف من الاستهداف)

٢٦ تشرين الأول ٢٠٢٣

About Mental Health Professionals Under Attack

Dr. Dinah Ayna, a clinical psychologist and mental health consultant and a member of UPA’s International Advisory Board, has been supporting our Healing through Feeling team in Gaza since 2018 and continues to support those she can reach throughout this war. Two weeks into the recent aggression against Gaza, Dr. Ayna agreed with different mental health professionals inside and outside UPA on the importance of sharing their stories with the world. The professionals wrote their experiences in Arabic, and Dr. Ayna then edited, translated, and sent the stories back for final approval from the original authors before sharing. Authors also sent pictures that were edited to protect their identities and published, with approval, along with the stories. Nicknames were given to those who did not want to be identified.